I decided to stop writing everyday. It felt a bit like rolling in the mud over and over again. So I let a few days go by, let it settle. The mind is a tremendously difficult terrain to walk through and try to understand. Traps are set up from one second to another, scenarios change all of a sudden… all because of something that may have happened a million years ago in your life which created a background drop that will influence the way you interpret everything. Inception (the film) is a walk in the park… despite my having loved it.
The concept of inception, in fact, provides us with many clues as to how things function in the mental sphere. The trouble is, how do we get to that information, how do we dismantle this string of layers that makes us up, full of memories, traumas, orders, messages. I suppose therapy is going to be the all-resounding reply. I agree.
Therapy is a tool but it must be done at the right time, with the right people and in the right way. A combination not always easy to reach. I’ve accepted that I will need counselling at some point, and I also know that I will recognise the moment I will need to go and look for it.
Right now I’m still too stuck in the mud, even though I am looking up at the stars.
It’s been a calm day today… no big fuss, no big storm. This subject occupies a substantial part of my thoughts during the day. How I am feeling, how I am reacting to her, what she is up to, her next moves, her intentions. But I used to think about all this a year ago with fear, very nervously.
Now I don’t anymore. It’s like I’ve seen the matrix. She’s still trying to build her web but since I’m seeing it from above, I map it out and don’t get caught in the same way though I shouldn’t be overconfident. She knows my inner workings, but what she doesn’t know… is that I see the world differently. I think that’s where she has underestimated me.
May I be right about this.
Continues raining… and these ups and downs! Aaarrghh!! Though I’m overall much better than a week ago, a simple phone call was enough to put me off track. My mother keeps wanting to “sort” my life out and it’s so unnerving… The hard part is that I have to “play dead” and not give her a hint of what I’m planning for my future because she will sabotage it. So I play along…
This is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, I’m protecting what I’m working on, but on the other, I have to hear these crazy things that I simply do not identify with, do not want to do and just wish the whole thing was a million miles away…
Her wish to sort my life out is actually just a ploy to keep me under her wing. She needs me to keep serving her, feeding her with my energy. Even now, she was saying that I would have an opportunity to make more money if I accepted what she proposed… How do I break it to her… I’m absolutely sure that my ‘million bucks’ is never going to come through working with her.
As I read back what I’ve written today, I confess I do sound a bit crazy. Again I ask, bear with me. It’s not easy. I don’t think I’ve gone mad, but realising that my Self has never had a chance to grow and bloom and the reason behind it being my mother… my closest ally, the one person in the world that was meant to do anything and everything for my well-being… does make me wobble. 2017 was a challenge… and 2018 looks that way too.
Let the rain continue and wash away my blues…
Missed a day… it’s been busy. The weather has been terrible, really ‘blizzardy’. The darkest cloud seems to have lifted from me, though. Time has that beauty in letting one overcome one’s worst moments.
I’m back on track to focus on solutions and in my future, and that of my family’s. I need to be at least a flight away from this reality. This is the decision we made together and what we have been working on. May Life conspire that way… with so many miracles in my Life, I trust another will come and bless our path.
The certainty and resolve that the pieces will fall into place gives me the strength to have my chin up again. It also helps that even yesterday as I was with her, and she tried again to hurt me when she wasn’t getting her way, that it didn’t seem to affect me in the same way. Am I becoming stronger? Is it because I can see more clearly what is happening, that I can understand ‘in real time’, as things happen? Is it that I am mapping those trigger points that she planted in me and, therefore, dismantling them?
I hope so.
Even though it’s raining like it hasn’t in a long time, the day is shining brighter for me today. I’ve decided… with a little help from a friend… that looking at “victim” profiles on the internet, and trying to identify myself (which I did!) is not actually constructive. It’s not actually going to help me if I keep in that line of thought.
No doubt it’s important to be aware of all these personality profiles, the harm they can do, their characteristics. My own type of personality and its weak and strong points. But I have to take a constructive stance and build my future out of this mess I was born into.
Truth is I’ve been talking about my mother all along… And now that I’m a grown woman, married, with children, have I finally realised and taken full grasp of how my life has been taken over without my actually realising. It’s a masterful job.
Keyword: narcissistic personality (the covert type).
I’ll be back tomorrow…
It’s hit me like a tonne of bricks. I knew all this reality, I knew “in theory” all that I have been manipulated and “groomed” into being… but when I saw it written in a site yesterday. I read the points of “how to identify a victim of” and I saw myself mirrored in every line.
I’m like a minefield that I have to deactivate. In every little corner there is a bomb, a trigger point that I have to undo, that I can no longer let be used against me, or for someone else’s purposes. That’s the whole point. The abuse is not so bad that I have been hit, insulted, raped or imprisoned. No, it’s more subtle. My inner world has been customised to serve someone else’s wishes, for someone else’s benefit, all my life. My purpose in life and my path has been sidelined since I was born.
I don’t expect anyone will ever read this. It’s got a strange and long name as a site anyway. It won’t be easy to find. I’m not tech savvy… But if anyone ever does, it’s ok. It’s given me a chance to put it out there. To get it off my chest. And that, if anything at all, feels good.
I will get into the details, when I’m ready. If anyone reads this, it won’t make a lot of sense. I need time. It’ll become clearer, even to me.
It’s Day 1. The first day after so many thousands of days… and I’m not even sure how to start. The first day of what? It’s been a life time to reach this point and yet I have decided that today… and only today… is Day 1.
Today, because I came to the full recognition that I am, without a shadow of a doubt, without any hesitations, a victim. I never saw it all these years, it always seemed to have come from my own shortcomings, and don’t take me wrong, I know I have them. But I also know that I am so much more than I have been made to believe.
I decided to start writing a diary… but these days diaries are no longer written with pen and paper. They became blogs. And so I decided to start… I know this is a long road and I only count that this will help me take all that I have inside me somewhere else. That I overcome this shadow that came over me practically since I was a small child and create a new and fresher future.
I’ve always known it exists and I can see it somewhere inside me. I can think it, I can imagine it and today… I’ve decided to make it there. Soon… once I’ve all this down on paper.
One day at a time.